For a day. At a water park.
Like most 22 year old males, I have a healthy appreciation for Justin Bieber and his music. But that doesn’t mean I understand the insanity of the legion of beliebers that worship him like a demigod.
This is a topic that’s been keeping me up at night for years. I think we can all agree that at some point in our lives, we asked ourselves: how can I also become a massive teenage sensation like Justin Bieber?
Well this summer I discovered my own foolproof way to become god among adolescents, and you don’t even need to take a dump in a pair of purple leopard-print pants to do it.
Step 1: go to a water park
Just go. This is where all the cool teenagers like to hang out.
Step 2: find a water ride
It has to be a scary one, with a bunch of teenagers on the side making sure people aren’t dying before they go on it.
I chose this half-pipe water slide thing. It was really scary.
Step 3: accidentally shut down the water ride
You need to cause the water ride to shut down by doing something that seems badass to a bunch of teenagers.
Personally, I chose to accidentally fall off the tube at the peak of the half-pipe and go tumbling down.
Thunk
Pro-tip: The best way to do this step is the way where you don’t die.
Step 4: pretend you didn’t almost poop your pants
This might be the most important step. As soon as you hear the gasps of the shocked crowd, pretend the whole thing happened because you’re just extreme like that.
Get up, smile, put your arms up in the air, and scream “YEAH! THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!”
Make sure people don’t see that you’re just trying to mask how embarrassed you are.
Step 5: walk away
At this point, the ride is completely shut off. People in line are wondering who wasted their time, and the water park police are coming to see what the hell happened. You don’t want to get tangled in this mess so get out of there.
Step 6: accidentally run into the group of teenagers
By the time you run into them again, you’re already a legend among their group of friends.
Reinforce it by acting like it wasn’t a big deal.
Pro-tip: Try not to talk to them as much as possible. It minimizes the chance of them finding out you’re actually just an idiot, and maximizes the chance of you becoming a local high school legend.
Step 7: enjoy
Enjoy yourself as a bunch of teenagers follow you around giving advice on how to sue the water park, and shouting your name and screaming “GOOD LUCK!” before you go on every water ride for the rest of the day.
Jeff Tokio Nagata 